RETHINKING

Ya know what, I take back what I said a little while ago. Yes, I am coming back to a place where I am able to plan and dream again. But when I think it over, it doesn't feel the same as it used to...

I was reading through countless old entries on my last blog (the one on xanga) out of sheer boredom and I realized that I am nothing like the me I used to be. Part of that is quite the blessing, parts of the old me I am more than happy to leave behind. But some parts, parts that I think have been vital to who I am, seem to be missing nowadays. Such as my unwavering optimism. I am far too critical now. I am far too glum. Where is my old smile and cheery heart? Where is my zest for life? Really, WHERE is it? I used to find such joy in the simple things... like walking through campus to class, writing checks for bill payment, writing a paper. I still find joy in some simple things -- such as, I love cleaning our apartment before Loren is about to get home, I like getting everything in order for him to come home to (sure, he probably doesn't care about it at all, but it makes me feel nice and wife-like). I like the simple act of hugs or holding Loren's hand. And I like when Jack does something silly and I laugh and laugh. Some simple things still really excite me --- but the overall zest for life seems to be missing. Where is my motivation for school? Now really, this plagues me a lot. I know I have never particularly cared for class and have never felt super motivated to try my absolute hardest. But I have NEVER cared this little. Seriously, it has become a huge problem - in more ways than one and I don't quite know how to remedy it. One would think that coming up so close on graduation would put a little swing in my step and a light under my rear... incorrect.

And the one thing that has changed, above all else -- is my fire for God. And this one thing is the hardest for me to explain. One would think, since I am newly in a situation with a Godly husband - who happens to be in the field of ministry, that my relationship with my Father would grow and deepen. Wrong. I have hit an all time new level of complacency. And I am just too darn lazy to fix it. I hear Him calling to me, I know He is there, I do not doubt... what I doubt is my will to listen, to turn towards Him. I doubt my faithfulness to Him. This, I know, to be the root of all aforementioned issues. I know that without a zealous heart for God, I simply do not find joy in life like I should. I know that without a daily quiet time with God, I simply find myself losing focus and motivation. I find myself losing touch with reality. Losing interest. Losing myself. I know this, I have always known this.... so why do I still pull away? I promised myself and God that after my biggest personal trial to date (fall of '06) I would never allow myself to become comfortable in my relationship with the Lord. Because I had learned, I had seen, the many blessings and joy and love that could come from a true, deep, close relationship with Him. But, just as I had feared (which led me to my above mentioned promise) once things became "good" in life, I would soon forget how much I needed Him to carry me.

My friends, it is far too easy for me to let go of God when things are going well... it is only in my darkest hours that I realize how much I depend on Him and how much better life is with Him by my side.

When things are good, I suddenly don't remember how to rely on my Savior. I don't remember how to be "in love" with God. I start relying on myself and my own pride and my own selfish desires. I read something tonight that reminded me so much of myself... "I was extremely well-versed in theory, but completely lacking in practice." I have read and read about how to fall in love with God, how to have a deep, personal relationship. I know the ins and outs of what it takes, I just don't actually do it. I have achieved that type of relationship on rare occasions. One being, as I mentioned, when I am in the pit of despair. When there is no where to reach but up to God. I have felt a true connection. I have felt the loving arms of my Heavenly Father wrap around me and comfort me in ways that no human touch ever could. I have had the heart wrenching conversations with God through prayer, I have felt Him speak to me..... The other times I have felt this time of relationship were in the few following weeks of a despair. Those weeks when I am on such a high from feeling the presence of God that I can do nothing else but seek Him and chase after that closeness. But eventually, and here in lies the problem, life gets in the way. Life gets busy or I get distracted. And suddenly, poof, that relationship has fallen by the wayside.

What an uneasy feeling.

Well let me tell you, as tears stream down my face right now, I am sick of it. I am sick of feeling complacent. I am sick of feeling like I don't want to try. WHY oh WHY would I not want to give EVERYTHING I have to the Lord that gave EVERYTHING to me??? It sickens me to realize that I am such a fool. It sickens me that it takes me writing everything out and facing these issues that have been building for months to see how ignorant I truly am. It sickens me beyond belief to realize that I have let my strongest spiritual gift go unused. I have a gift for prayer, it comes easily to me to converse with God. An area where so many struggle, I have always found the easiest. And I have ignored that so much lately. I am completely ashamed.

I know things cannot stay this way. This is why I feel some things have been heavy on my heart lately. I have just been to prideful and stubborn to look at them and listen to what He has been saying. Well... today is a new day. Today is a day to start falling in love with God all over again... Today is a day to start listening and doing.

Today is the day.



"Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens, Your faithfulness to the skies" psalm 36:5