Discontent

This is a common theme in my writings and my thoughts, but I am discontent.

It seems that, with me, I am always looking forward to something... and if, by chance, there isn't anything big to look forward to, I become down. Sad. Angry. Once the exhilaration of something dies off or slows, I suddenly find myself needing something else. Something new. Something different.

...i would be the worst kind of drug junkie.

I know this has to be common. I know I am not alone in this. And I also know this is not necessarily a bad trait. Personally, I both love and hate this about myself. I like that it keeps me on my toes, that I am never quite satisfied with things, that I constantly want to improve upon or try something else. I like that it keeps me optimistic when looking to the future. I dislike this trait for some of the same reasons. One problem is, once I become dissatisfied in something... I give up on it. I need to do something else. This is why I have never kept a hobby going for more than a month or so - a year at best. I dislike that my discontent leaves me feeling often miserable and bored.

The funny part of this all is that when I am content it is most often found in the more ordinary and less than earth shattering aspects of life.

I remember very few instances in my life when I felt at ease and content. Oddly, most of those moments have to do with Morgantown traffic. In general, I despise sitting in traffic... I always tend to feel like I am in a rush, rushing towards something, anything. But on some rare occasions, when the sun is shining, and traffic is heavy... I find myself at peace in my car. I sing along with the songs playing through my stereo and just sit. The sun on my face, a good song in my ears, and a content heart.

Another instance in which I can sometimes find myself at ease is when I am immersed in prayer and God's presence. That can really create a wonderful feeling within me.

The only other time I can remember being completely content was on my honeymoon. I could have stayed holed up in that gorgeous cabin, just living off of my irrevocable love for Loren and been happy -- forever.

The love lasts... but that cabin didn't last forever and neither did the content heart - here we are, back to the real world. Busy and tired. And here I am, itching for something new to do.

When will I be content? How long will I be discontent? Will it ever end? Or am I just destined to a life of chasing some invisible utopia...

Perhaps I will be content once I graduate. Perhaps I will be content once we move into a bigger, nicer apartment. Perhaps I will be content if we take the internship and move to Fort Collins, CO in August. I am sure all of these will grant me a moment of serenity and a quiet mind ---- but it won't last. It never does...


"i have spoke with the tongue of angels, i have held the hand of a devil, it was warm in the night, i was cold as a stone... but i still haven't found what i'm looking for..."