beauty in the breakdown...

i am watching a movie right now, "the holiday", one of my favorite chick flicks. while watching this movie i heard a song in the background. i have no idea what this song was or really what the words were... but, i can tell you at one point the lyrics were "there is beauty in the breakdown"... and this phrase in an unknown song that was backup music to a movie sent my head into spin. i can say that of all i have learned over the past two years, the most important thing i know is that there IS beauty in the breakdown.

i have been thinking a lot about things lately. about how much has changed for me. about how i am nowhere i had envisioned. about how lucky i am to be where i am and not where i thought i would be. i'm just so happy about that. i was so broken for so long... but it was beautiful for so many reasons. it was beautiful that it brought me closer to god. it was beautiful that it made me stronger as a person. it was beautiful that it brought me to loren... indirectly. beauty in the breakdown.

i'm getting married in may. i start grad school in may. i move into my first "home" in may. big month. --- just wanted to throw a countdown in there. ;o)

there seems to have been a lot of health issues for a lot of people lately... tests for this or that, complications, surgeries, etc. i, myself, have been experiencing some different symptoms as well as some old. and i go back in november or december for my next mri/mra to check on my brain. i don't know what i have. it all could add up to ms, it could all add up to something else, it could all add up to nothing at all. i don't worry about it. actually, i hardly think of it beyond recording my symptoms for the neurologist......... this does have a point. and that point is that through all of my past breaking, i think i have become content with some things. i don't worry about my health so much because i know that sick or not, i will be taken care of. i am content because i know i have god. i may not be happy, but i am definitely not sad. if sick, i could use it as a form of witnessing; and i think that would be a blessing. i think this contentedness may be one of my better accomplishments thus far... and i owe it, as with everything else, to god.

if only i could be content in other aspects of my life... i am terrible at that. but i have a feeling god is working on that with me, too...