Don't ya just feel like you're spinning your wheels sometimes? I know I sure do. Actually, I feel that way more often than not, by my own fault, of course. I come to a point where I reflect on my life and think, "Am I really doing what I should be doing? Am I really contributing to something? Is my life leading to something?" And the answers I receive (from myself) are almost always the same. "Not really. Somewhat. In certain ways, hopefully."
"Am I really doing what I should be doing?"
This question always, without fail, pops into my head at about the mid-semester point. It's when I evaluate my school performance and realize that, in all honesty, it has been nothing to "woohoo!" about. But, it never really has been for me. And I think I am coming to a point (this is my 5th college year, it's about time I come to grips with myself, ha) where I can accept that. I know, and am okay with, that school is merely something I have to "get through". I don't like it, heaven knows I don't like it one bit. But I have to do it. So I soldier on... for years and years (longer than most, perhaps). Period.
"Am I really contributing to something?"
As far as my contribution is concerned -- it really just depends on what area of my life you choose to look at. If you look at my job - then nope. My job is really contributing nothing to society or my personal well-being. It is a job of laziness and boredom. A job that does nothing but interfere with my sleep schedule and keep me away from my marital bed 4 of 7 nights a week. On the other hand, I DO feel like I contribute to a worthy cause - church and Mountaineers for Christ. These two things, are of course, my favorite things. It is my lifeline. I have been heavily involved in both for 4 years now, and I become more involved with each year. I love every second of working with Loren in this campus ministry & I love every second of teaching the little kiddies about Jesus (and other wonderful bible characters :)). These things not only bring me closer to God, but bring my closer to my church body, and give me a better understanding of myself daily. Who could ask for more?
"Is my life leading to something?"
Ahh, the big question. Logically, of course my life is leading somewhere. All lives are. I am aging, that is a sure sign that I'm headed somewhere, even if it is only to my death... ha! But really, this question is a toughie. It's a combination of the prior two questions in my mind. I am making my way, however slowly, through my college education... which should lead to a career. I am in a wonderful new marital relationship (almost one year!) that is leading towards a lifetime of new experiences and ups and downs with my very best friend.I am working in a church body and working in my relationship with the Lord that is leading to eternal life. ----- SO to sum up, I suppose my life IS leading to something!
I think the moral of my story here... as it is with all of my wee-morning ranting posts... is that I lead a very blessed life, a life that is heading down a path. I just have trouble seeing that in the midst of all this day to day rubbish. I often feel like I'm simply spinning my wheels, and sure there are many areas in which I could always do better, but all in all -- in the words of Jo Dee Messina, "well I guess I'm doin' alright." ;o)
Friday, October 2, 2009
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
A LITTLE OF THIS & A LITTLE OF THAT...
Let's see what has been going on in my world lately...
Most of my summer consisted of summer classes, working one or two jobs, & basically just living regular day to day life. I liked it. I am a sucker for routine and monotony! With this regular joe living, I grew some pretty flowers (my first time ever trying my hand at outdoor flowers!) that were placed all around our front porch (since we're still renting I didn't really want to try to plant some in the ground...). I wish I had a picture to show! But I bloomed some lovely pansies, geraniums, & wave petunias! Along these same lines, as I have mentioned before, I tested my hand at some different recipes. While I don't really have anything to share about my complex meal attempts, I can tell you that I found my new favorite lunch EVER! Tomato & avocado sandwich!! YUMMM! (please, ignore the awful look of my avocado slicing... at the time, I had no idea how to cut and slice an avocado properly, ha!)
Moving on... a highlight of my summer was my weekend in Lexington, Kentucky. My Mama & I drove down to visit my oldest & dearest friend (and first cousin) Ronica! Ronica has been a sister to me since we were tiny tots. We're only two years apart in age & come from a very, very loving and close family... so naturally, we were close, too! Unfortunately, some differences in lifestyle separated Ronica & me for several years... I am happy to say that God has really worked in her life & my heart -- and now I feel like she and I can get back to the close relationship we once had! I could not be more thrilled! First picture: Tiny tots at Christmas! Bottom picture: All grown up in Lexington!
Once back from Kentucky, it was time to get back in the groove of school :'(. But on a more positive note - getting back into school meant getting back into Mountaineers for Christ! So far, so good! We've had a good turn out so far in the first two weeks, we have had a successful leaders meeting, & have planned a bunch of great things for the semester! Here is a picture from our first event back together, Sunday night College Church. This is Ben & Kevin rockin' out on the geeetar!
And finally -- Meet Oliver, the Brainard's temporary kitten! Oliver was meant to be our kitten, a kitten that was going to live outside... however, Oliver hates it outside. He only desires to be indoors with his people. So, I found him a (possible) home with Jennalea & Scott. They already have an adorable cat named Leo, & Jennalea really wants Leo to have a friend... enter Oliver! However, she has to convince Scott. So until she does, Loren & I are providing Oliver with his temporary indoor home. Of course, if Loren decides he is helplessly attached to Oliver, I will be more than happy to let this adorable & super cuddly little kitten live inside with us forever & ever. :)
And that is my life as of now... check back soon, as I will be getting a brand new car tomorrow evening & will surely want to blog about it! :) :)
Have a lovely rest of the week!
Most of my summer consisted of summer classes, working one or two jobs, & basically just living regular day to day life. I liked it. I am a sucker for routine and monotony! With this regular joe living, I grew some pretty flowers (my first time ever trying my hand at outdoor flowers!) that were placed all around our front porch (since we're still renting I didn't really want to try to plant some in the ground...). I wish I had a picture to show! But I bloomed some lovely pansies, geraniums, & wave petunias! Along these same lines, as I have mentioned before, I tested my hand at some different recipes. While I don't really have anything to share about my complex meal attempts, I can tell you that I found my new favorite lunch EVER! Tomato & avocado sandwich!! YUMMM! (please, ignore the awful look of my avocado slicing... at the time, I had no idea how to cut and slice an avocado properly, ha!)
Moving on... a highlight of my summer was my weekend in Lexington, Kentucky. My Mama & I drove down to visit my oldest & dearest friend (and first cousin) Ronica! Ronica has been a sister to me since we were tiny tots. We're only two years apart in age & come from a very, very loving and close family... so naturally, we were close, too! Unfortunately, some differences in lifestyle separated Ronica & me for several years... I am happy to say that God has really worked in her life & my heart -- and now I feel like she and I can get back to the close relationship we once had! I could not be more thrilled! First picture: Tiny tots at Christmas! Bottom picture: All grown up in Lexington!
Once back from Kentucky, it was time to get back in the groove of school :'(. But on a more positive note - getting back into school meant getting back into Mountaineers for Christ! So far, so good! We've had a good turn out so far in the first two weeks, we have had a successful leaders meeting, & have planned a bunch of great things for the semester! Here is a picture from our first event back together, Sunday night College Church. This is Ben & Kevin rockin' out on the geeetar!
And finally -- Meet Oliver, the Brainard's temporary kitten! Oliver was meant to be our kitten, a kitten that was going to live outside... however, Oliver hates it outside. He only desires to be indoors with his people. So, I found him a (possible) home with Jennalea & Scott. They already have an adorable cat named Leo, & Jennalea really wants Leo to have a friend... enter Oliver! However, she has to convince Scott. So until she does, Loren & I are providing Oliver with his temporary indoor home. Of course, if Loren decides he is helplessly attached to Oliver, I will be more than happy to let this adorable & super cuddly little kitten live inside with us forever & ever. :)
And that is my life as of now... check back soon, as I will be getting a brand new car tomorrow evening & will surely want to blog about it! :) :)
Have a lovely rest of the week!
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
WHAT A DISAPPOINTMENT
I am no decorator. This pains me. In general, I am rather domestic. Or at least, domestic in the sense that I genuinely love to clean, like trying to cook, and generally enjoy my wifely "duties". But, I fall short in decorating. I want to. I love HGTV just as much as the next gal, maybe more than some... but I cannot, for the life of me, come up with a vision of what I want. I look through other's homes, longingly, and see how beautifully their homes flow, knowing that my home will probably never compare.
As ridiculous as it is, this actually makes me sad.
Oh well. I will continue to watch HGTV and I will continue to pour through blogs for ideas... and maybe, just maybe, someday my creative vision will come...
Have a delightful day, world! :)
(perhaps this blog was a tad dramatic... but that's what you get at 6am after a longer-than-usual-feeling midnight shift)
As ridiculous as it is, this actually makes me sad.
Oh well. I will continue to watch HGTV and I will continue to pour through blogs for ideas... and maybe, just maybe, someday my creative vision will come...
Have a delightful day, world! :)
(perhaps this blog was a tad dramatic... but that's what you get at 6am after a longer-than-usual-feeling midnight shift)
Monday, August 3, 2009
A SMALL VICTORY!
Today, I thought I might share with you one of my few successes at cooking up something tasty... that doesn't involve meat or chocolate, ha!
I don't know about you all, but I find it hard to fit in all kinds of veggies. I like my veggies, I actually can't think of a vegetable I have tried that I don't like, but I have trouble eating a bunch of them at once. I could live off fruit and fruit alone, but veggies are just tough for me. So, with my new obsession with nutrition and my lack of meat these days, I am constantly looking for new ways to cook vegetables to make them extra yummy so I don't feel deprived or unhappy. I stumbled across a recipe for zucchini on a wonderful, wonderful website (http://ohsheglows.com/). The recipe was for "zucchini boats", but it called for some things I didn't have, so I decided to veer off on my own path and see what I could do... and the result was yummy! :)
You can't see it too well, but that is a zucchini boat in the middle, 1/2 cucumber drizzled with lite balsamic vinaigrette on the right, and a nice plum on the left. It was all delicious... and healthy, too!
Zucchini Boats:
-Cut a zucchini length wise and scoop out the insides
-Mix up the insides with about 1/2 tomato, 1/2 C mushrooms (I steamed mine a little before, so they would be nice and tender), 1/4 C cooked brown rice
-Add salt, pepper & spices to taste (I used chili powder)
-Sprinkle with cheddar cheese, if you like... I liked ;)
-Add the mixture to the boats and bake at 350 degrees for 20-25 minutes
While it wasn't the best thing I have ever had - it was easy, good, & filling. I'm sure I'll be making them pretty often!
I don't know about you all, but I find it hard to fit in all kinds of veggies. I like my veggies, I actually can't think of a vegetable I have tried that I don't like, but I have trouble eating a bunch of them at once. I could live off fruit and fruit alone, but veggies are just tough for me. So, with my new obsession with nutrition and my lack of meat these days, I am constantly looking for new ways to cook vegetables to make them extra yummy so I don't feel deprived or unhappy. I stumbled across a recipe for zucchini on a wonderful, wonderful website (http://ohsheglows.com/). The recipe was for "zucchini boats", but it called for some things I didn't have, so I decided to veer off on my own path and see what I could do... and the result was yummy! :)
You can't see it too well, but that is a zucchini boat in the middle, 1/2 cucumber drizzled with lite balsamic vinaigrette on the right, and a nice plum on the left. It was all delicious... and healthy, too!
Zucchini Boats:
-Cut a zucchini length wise and scoop out the insides
-Mix up the insides with about 1/2 tomato, 1/2 C mushrooms (I steamed mine a little before, so they would be nice and tender), 1/4 C cooked brown rice
-Add salt, pepper & spices to taste (I used chili powder)
-Sprinkle with cheddar cheese, if you like... I liked ;)
-Add the mixture to the boats and bake at 350 degrees for 20-25 minutes
While it wasn't the best thing I have ever had - it was easy, good, & filling. I'm sure I'll be making them pretty often!
Thursday, July 30, 2009
LET'S RECAP...
As it has been 4 months since I last wrote, I am out of the swing of things. So, instead of writing some in depth blog about some one subject, I will do a nice list (we all know the love that is list-making!) of things that have gone on, changes, etc. (Or perhaps I am making a list since I have nothing of real importance to say yet... but geesh, it's been four months... I'm overdue to say at least something...)
List time!
List time!
- In my last blog, I spoke of my heavy heart and changes I hoped to make. Well, I can tell you these changes did not come quickly. I am still in the process... but I am working on it all, and things are going well, very well.
- I am getting back in the habit of constant and consistent prayer. I have found it to be somewhat of a lifesaver for me. I feel so much better and so much closer to God with some good prayer.
- I'm on a daily reading schedule that is also helping me grow in my relationship with God, a lot.
- Loren & I have moved into our new place... in May. It's out of town, with land, and flowers, and chickens, and bunnies, & even a horse. (the animals are not ours... but I like to pretend they are) It's lovely to sleep at night and not be woken up by the sounds of a rager upstairs.
- Loren & I see too little of one another. But summer has provided some extra quality time, since the campus ministry is basically non-existent during the summer months. He and I both still work full time for REM (him - days/evenings, me - midnights)
- My wonderful husband preached his first sermon at our church a few weeks back... he did a fantastic job! I feel (and I think he does, too) that preaching is what he is supposed to do... he's too good not to! :)
- In classic Toni fashion - I changed my mind as to what I planned to do with my life. But then changed it back, ha. Honestly, I want to be a teacher. I see myself being a teacher, it's the only thing I have ever felt completely confident about. But just some education and money issues came up that made me think I should switch back towards the path of nursing... As of now, I'm still at teaching, just a different process of attaining that goal. Check back later, I'm sure I'll waver several times before the time comes.
- I'm now a vegetarian - or at least 99% of the time. I still have slip ups... such as when Loren makes a pizza, I am only human, ha! I'm in the slow, slow process of working my way to vegan. We'll see. It all came about for various reasons - it really came as no surprise either, many have expected me to go this route for years. It was only natural.
- I am certainly enjoying trying out new, healthy, meat free/sometimes dairy free recipes... hopefully, once we have internet at home, I'll post about those someday.
- Loren's dad, Carl, is now back at home. Yay!! He's doing well, hopefully a full recovery is in his near future!
- Jack, our dog, has gone to a new home. A much happier home. And from what I hear, he is LOVING it! Sometime soon, Loren & I will get to visit with him. I miss him a ton, and think of him often (and shed a few tears) but I know he is happy... and that makes me happy. He deserves the best home, one that can dote on him, like he loves, and be there constantly... unlike us. Miss that furry goofball though. :(
- We had the pleasure of going to the beach this summer. For Jennalea & Scott's wedding (who was a maid of honor, oh that's right, ME!). It was absolutely beautiful and I could not be happier for those two! And I was also pretty happy to spend a few days in Nags Head!
I'm sure there is more. But c'mon, no one likes 500 bullet points.
See ya in another 4 months! ;)
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
RETHINKING
Ya know what, I take back what I said a little while ago. Yes, I am coming back to a place where I am able to plan and dream again. But when I think it over, it doesn't feel the same as it used to...
I was reading through countless old entries on my last blog (the one on xanga) out of sheer boredom and I realized that I am nothing like the me I used to be. Part of that is quite the blessing, parts of the old me I am more than happy to leave behind. But some parts, parts that I think have been vital to who I am, seem to be missing nowadays. Such as my unwavering optimism. I am far too critical now. I am far too glum. Where is my old smile and cheery heart? Where is my zest for life? Really, WHERE is it? I used to find such joy in the simple things... like walking through campus to class, writing checks for bill payment, writing a paper. I still find joy in some simple things -- such as, I love cleaning our apartment before Loren is about to get home, I like getting everything in order for him to come home to (sure, he probably doesn't care about it at all, but it makes me feel nice and wife-like). I like the simple act of hugs or holding Loren's hand. And I like when Jack does something silly and I laugh and laugh. Some simple things still really excite me --- but the overall zest for life seems to be missing. Where is my motivation for school? Now really, this plagues me a lot. I know I have never particularly cared for class and have never felt super motivated to try my absolute hardest. But I have NEVER cared this little. Seriously, it has become a huge problem - in more ways than one and I don't quite know how to remedy it. One would think that coming up so close on graduation would put a little swing in my step and a light under my rear... incorrect.
And the one thing that has changed, above all else -- is my fire for God. And this one thing is the hardest for me to explain. One would think, since I am newly in a situation with a Godly husband - who happens to be in the field of ministry, that my relationship with my Father would grow and deepen. Wrong. I have hit an all time new level of complacency. And I am just too darn lazy to fix it. I hear Him calling to me, I know He is there, I do not doubt... what I doubt is my will to listen, to turn towards Him. I doubt my faithfulness to Him. This, I know, to be the root of all aforementioned issues. I know that without a zealous heart for God, I simply do not find joy in life like I should. I know that without a daily quiet time with God, I simply find myself losing focus and motivation. I find myself losing touch with reality. Losing interest. Losing myself. I know this, I have always known this.... so why do I still pull away? I promised myself and God that after my biggest personal trial to date (fall of '06) I would never allow myself to become comfortable in my relationship with the Lord. Because I had learned, I had seen, the many blessings and joy and love that could come from a true, deep, close relationship with Him. But, just as I had feared (which led me to my above mentioned promise) once things became "good" in life, I would soon forget how much I needed Him to carry me.
My friends, it is far too easy for me to let go of God when things are going well... it is only in my darkest hours that I realize how much I depend on Him and how much better life is with Him by my side.
When things are good, I suddenly don't remember how to rely on my Savior. I don't remember how to be "in love" with God. I start relying on myself and my own pride and my own selfish desires. I read something tonight that reminded me so much of myself... "I was extremely well-versed in theory, but completely lacking in practice." I have read and read about how to fall in love with God, how to have a deep, personal relationship. I know the ins and outs of what it takes, I just don't actually do it. I have achieved that type of relationship on rare occasions. One being, as I mentioned, when I am in the pit of despair. When there is no where to reach but up to God. I have felt a true connection. I have felt the loving arms of my Heavenly Father wrap around me and comfort me in ways that no human touch ever could. I have had the heart wrenching conversations with God through prayer, I have felt Him speak to me..... The other times I have felt this time of relationship were in the few following weeks of a despair. Those weeks when I am on such a high from feeling the presence of God that I can do nothing else but seek Him and chase after that closeness. But eventually, and here in lies the problem, life gets in the way. Life gets busy or I get distracted. And suddenly, poof, that relationship has fallen by the wayside.
What an uneasy feeling.
Well let me tell you, as tears stream down my face right now, I am sick of it. I am sick of feeling complacent. I am sick of feeling like I don't want to try. WHY oh WHY would I not want to give EVERYTHING I have to the Lord that gave EVERYTHING to me??? It sickens me to realize that I am such a fool. It sickens me that it takes me writing everything out and facing these issues that have been building for months to see how ignorant I truly am. It sickens me beyond belief to realize that I have let my strongest spiritual gift go unused. I have a gift for prayer, it comes easily to me to converse with God. An area where so many struggle, I have always found the easiest. And I have ignored that so much lately. I am completely ashamed.
I know things cannot stay this way. This is why I feel some things have been heavy on my heart lately. I have just been to prideful and stubborn to look at them and listen to what He has been saying. Well... today is a new day. Today is a day to start falling in love with God all over again... Today is a day to start listening and doing.
Today is the day.
"Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens, Your faithfulness to the skies" psalm 36:5
I was reading through countless old entries on my last blog (the one on xanga) out of sheer boredom and I realized that I am nothing like the me I used to be. Part of that is quite the blessing, parts of the old me I am more than happy to leave behind. But some parts, parts that I think have been vital to who I am, seem to be missing nowadays. Such as my unwavering optimism. I am far too critical now. I am far too glum. Where is my old smile and cheery heart? Where is my zest for life? Really, WHERE is it? I used to find such joy in the simple things... like walking through campus to class, writing checks for bill payment, writing a paper. I still find joy in some simple things -- such as, I love cleaning our apartment before Loren is about to get home, I like getting everything in order for him to come home to (sure, he probably doesn't care about it at all, but it makes me feel nice and wife-like). I like the simple act of hugs or holding Loren's hand. And I like when Jack does something silly and I laugh and laugh. Some simple things still really excite me --- but the overall zest for life seems to be missing. Where is my motivation for school? Now really, this plagues me a lot. I know I have never particularly cared for class and have never felt super motivated to try my absolute hardest. But I have NEVER cared this little. Seriously, it has become a huge problem - in more ways than one and I don't quite know how to remedy it. One would think that coming up so close on graduation would put a little swing in my step and a light under my rear... incorrect.
And the one thing that has changed, above all else -- is my fire for God. And this one thing is the hardest for me to explain. One would think, since I am newly in a situation with a Godly husband - who happens to be in the field of ministry, that my relationship with my Father would grow and deepen. Wrong. I have hit an all time new level of complacency. And I am just too darn lazy to fix it. I hear Him calling to me, I know He is there, I do not doubt... what I doubt is my will to listen, to turn towards Him. I doubt my faithfulness to Him. This, I know, to be the root of all aforementioned issues. I know that without a zealous heart for God, I simply do not find joy in life like I should. I know that without a daily quiet time with God, I simply find myself losing focus and motivation. I find myself losing touch with reality. Losing interest. Losing myself. I know this, I have always known this.... so why do I still pull away? I promised myself and God that after my biggest personal trial to date (fall of '06) I would never allow myself to become comfortable in my relationship with the Lord. Because I had learned, I had seen, the many blessings and joy and love that could come from a true, deep, close relationship with Him. But, just as I had feared (which led me to my above mentioned promise) once things became "good" in life, I would soon forget how much I needed Him to carry me.
My friends, it is far too easy for me to let go of God when things are going well... it is only in my darkest hours that I realize how much I depend on Him and how much better life is with Him by my side.
When things are good, I suddenly don't remember how to rely on my Savior. I don't remember how to be "in love" with God. I start relying on myself and my own pride and my own selfish desires. I read something tonight that reminded me so much of myself... "I was extremely well-versed in theory, but completely lacking in practice." I have read and read about how to fall in love with God, how to have a deep, personal relationship. I know the ins and outs of what it takes, I just don't actually do it. I have achieved that type of relationship on rare occasions. One being, as I mentioned, when I am in the pit of despair. When there is no where to reach but up to God. I have felt a true connection. I have felt the loving arms of my Heavenly Father wrap around me and comfort me in ways that no human touch ever could. I have had the heart wrenching conversations with God through prayer, I have felt Him speak to me..... The other times I have felt this time of relationship were in the few following weeks of a despair. Those weeks when I am on such a high from feeling the presence of God that I can do nothing else but seek Him and chase after that closeness. But eventually, and here in lies the problem, life gets in the way. Life gets busy or I get distracted. And suddenly, poof, that relationship has fallen by the wayside.
What an uneasy feeling.
Well let me tell you, as tears stream down my face right now, I am sick of it. I am sick of feeling complacent. I am sick of feeling like I don't want to try. WHY oh WHY would I not want to give EVERYTHING I have to the Lord that gave EVERYTHING to me??? It sickens me to realize that I am such a fool. It sickens me that it takes me writing everything out and facing these issues that have been building for months to see how ignorant I truly am. It sickens me beyond belief to realize that I have let my strongest spiritual gift go unused. I have a gift for prayer, it comes easily to me to converse with God. An area where so many struggle, I have always found the easiest. And I have ignored that so much lately. I am completely ashamed.
I know things cannot stay this way. This is why I feel some things have been heavy on my heart lately. I have just been to prideful and stubborn to look at them and listen to what He has been saying. Well... today is a new day. Today is a day to start falling in love with God all over again... Today is a day to start listening and doing.
Today is the day.
"Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens, Your faithfulness to the skies" psalm 36:5
THIS...BUT ALSO THAT
I think of all the things I want to do. For the first time in a short while, I am back to a place where I feel like I actually want to do things. Back to a place I am familiar and comfortable in... a plan making, hopeful, dreaming, optimistic place. But there is a twist this time... all of my goals and plans and hopes and dreams seem to all have a counterpart. Clashing hopes, hmmm.
I want to hurry through school and be able to teach... but I also want to go on an extended mission before I start teaching.
I want to buy a house and have "roots"... but I want to move around.
I want to have a baby... but I want to enjoy new marital bliss.
I want to go to Colorado... but I want to stay with Mountaineers for Christ in Morgantown.
I want to grow and deepen my relationship with my Father... but I also feel a desire to hold onto my (selfish) independence and pride.
I want to truly be a "team" with my husband... but much like with God, I want to hold onto my selfish and stubborn ways.
I want to keep our dog Cracker Jack... but I want to not have to vacuum and eat his fur every day and be free to go anywhere at anytime.
I suppose the right thing to say is: I don't know what I want. I want too many things at once. Too many colliding dreams. Not to mention that all of these dreams have to coexist with Loren's dreams... the beauty of marriage. :)
Honestly... I am just happy to be back to feeling like myself after a season of no motivation or desire.
I want to hurry through school and be able to teach... but I also want to go on an extended mission before I start teaching.
I want to buy a house and have "roots"... but I want to move around.
I want to have a baby... but I want to enjoy new marital bliss.
I want to go to Colorado... but I want to stay with Mountaineers for Christ in Morgantown.
I want to grow and deepen my relationship with my Father... but I also feel a desire to hold onto my (selfish) independence and pride.
I want to truly be a "team" with my husband... but much like with God, I want to hold onto my selfish and stubborn ways.
I want to keep our dog Cracker Jack... but I want to not have to vacuum and eat his fur every day and be free to go anywhere at anytime.
I suppose the right thing to say is: I don't know what I want. I want too many things at once. Too many colliding dreams. Not to mention that all of these dreams have to coexist with Loren's dreams... the beauty of marriage. :)
Honestly... I am just happy to be back to feeling like myself after a season of no motivation or desire.
there's nothing ever wrong, but nothing's ever right. such a cruel contradiction. i know i cross the lines, it's not easy to define. i'm born to indecision. there's always something new, some path i'm supposed to choose... with no particular rhyme or reason -- shinedown "burning bright"
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
WORRIES & BLESSINGS
I think that as soon as Loren and I came home from our honeymoon and stepped out into the real world as man & wife, I stepped into a shielded armor of defense. I think that divorces, failed marriages and relationships have been so drilled into my brain that on some subconscious level, I was already preparing myself for the worst. I think that at the first squabble or instance of conflict in our marriage I started to scramble...
I have been so concerned with the "what ifs" that I completely forgot to savor all the great things about marriage. I was so quick to forget all the little things Loren would do for me on a daily basis and solely focus on the negative, endlessly focus on the negative.
I wanted to fix things that were not even broken... I no longer want to do that.
Sure, I'm going to worry. I'll worry about things I cannot fix and things that really mean nothing in the big picture. That's what I do and I haven't ever found a way to stop that. But now, instead of letting my worries consume me -- I want to let the blessings of this marriage consume me and the worries just be a passing thought or two.
I am blessed in knowing that Loren is the only man I am ever going to wake up beside.
I am blessed to have such a strong spiritual leader as my husband.
I am blessed to know that when I am 90 I will have the pleasure of sitting next to a sweet, but grumpy old man... in our matching rocking chairs.
I am blessed to be able to tell my future children that their father is, by far, the very best man I have ever, ever known.
I am so blessed...
"praise God from whom all blessings flow..."
I have been so concerned with the "what ifs" that I completely forgot to savor all the great things about marriage. I was so quick to forget all the little things Loren would do for me on a daily basis and solely focus on the negative, endlessly focus on the negative.
I wanted to fix things that were not even broken... I no longer want to do that.
Sure, I'm going to worry. I'll worry about things I cannot fix and things that really mean nothing in the big picture. That's what I do and I haven't ever found a way to stop that. But now, instead of letting my worries consume me -- I want to let the blessings of this marriage consume me and the worries just be a passing thought or two.
I am blessed in knowing that Loren is the only man I am ever going to wake up beside.
I am blessed to have such a strong spiritual leader as my husband.
I am blessed to know that when I am 90 I will have the pleasure of sitting next to a sweet, but grumpy old man... in our matching rocking chairs.
I am blessed to be able to tell my future children that their father is, by far, the very best man I have ever, ever known.
I am so blessed...
"praise God from whom all blessings flow..."
Friday, February 27, 2009
Light Bulb?
For the last few days I have been tossing around the idea of, at least, trialing a raw food diet.
("raw" meaning: unprocessed, fresh, organic, vegan, and never cooked above the temperature of 116 degrees)
It was brought to my attention a month or more ago by my Mama. She thought Loren & I should give it a whirl, or at least incorporate more raw foods into our diet, in an effort to help alleviate some of Loren's stomach problems -- as raw foods are supposed to be incredible for digestion. At the time, I basically laughed in my Mom's face (or ear, since we were on the phone). I had no interest in this "hippy fad" because I love my burgers and fries. I literally pictured myself eating seaweed and heads of lettuce for dinner. The only experience I had with the term "raw food diet" came from a Sex & the City episode I had seen where the girls mocked the raw food movement, talking of how gross it tasted...
Anyway, I didn't think another thing of it until Monday night. Loren and I went to the movies to see "Taken" (fabulous movie, by the way). We had a gift card, so we decided to go ahead and get that huge bucket of popcorn the theater passes off as a normal portion. Sadly, Loren missed the last 20-25 minutes of the movie because he was sick in the bathroom, probably from the popcorn and pop. After leaving the theater, we stopped by Barnes & Noble just to browse around while his stomach settled. I noticed a section by the comfy chairs of all "raw" cookbooks. I mentioned what my mom had said to him, and very very surprisingly, he was not completely against the idea of trying it. Now, if you know Loren, you know that vegetables, nuts, and most fruits are not his favorite foods... in fact, they are his least favorite foods. He openly admits he could live off of pizza, Dr. Pepper, & Cheezits -- happily -- for the rest of his life. He is a processed foods guy (I am not saying I am not a processed food gal... but I do like most vegetables, I enjoy raw nuts (by themselves, not mixed in baked goods), and have not met a fruit I do not enjoy)...
Long story short, I sat there in the comfy chair and read the introduction of a couple "raw" books. I was intrigued. And I have been back to Barnes & Noble everyday since, literally, and have read through all of those cookbooks. I am mesmerized. The whole concept just makes sense. Optimal foods lead to optimal wellness. Could you be any more in tune with nature & God than eating only that which is naturaly created on His land?
The pictures of the dishes and the recipes literally make my mouth water. And ever since Monday, I actually find myself feeling guilty when I am eating something that isn't raw. Is that even possible for someone who has never once gone a day of eating 100% raw? It sounds crazy, even to me.
I am a person that, many know, has teetered on the edge of vegetarianism many times. I do not like eating meat, I mean taste-wise, yes I enjoy meat... but I do not like the thought of eating meat. When I actually think about what I am eating, it makes me nauseous. And I know for a fact, any and all of my stomach problems are associated with eating meat and animal products. The 3 months I trialed vegetarianism, health wise, I felt better than I ever had. My first meat-meal back made me violently ill.
So I broke down and bought my first raw cookbook this afternoon. I thought it might save some gas money, since I will no longer need to drive to Barnes & Noble everyday. Whether this book will get use, we'll see. I want it to. But it could end up just being another one of my short-lived obsessions. And I cannot do this without Loren, it is far too expensive to buy all organic foods and his processed foods, too. Plus, the idea came about because of his health. But now he seems less on board, now that his stomach pain has seceded...
If nothing else, I think it cannot hurt to try. From all I've read (pro and against), after the initial detox period, everyone begins to feel absolutely amazing on a raw food diet. Ecstasy amazing. Who wouldn't want that, even if just for a while?
("raw" meaning: unprocessed, fresh, organic, vegan, and never cooked above the temperature of 116 degrees)
Anyway, I didn't think another thing of it until Monday night. Loren and I went to the movies to see "Taken" (fabulous movie, by the way). We had a gift card, so we decided to go ahead and get that huge bucket of popcorn the theater passes off as a normal portion. Sadly, Loren missed the last 20-25 minutes of the movie because he was sick in the bathroom, probably from the popcorn and pop. After leaving the theater, we stopped by Barnes & Noble just to browse around while his stomach settled. I noticed a section by the comfy chairs of all "raw" cookbooks. I mentioned what my mom had said to him, and very very surprisingly, he was not completely against the idea of trying it. Now, if you know Loren, you know that vegetables, nuts, and most fruits are not his favorite foods... in fact, they are his least favorite foods. He openly admits he could live off of pizza, Dr. Pepper, & Cheezits -- happily -- for the rest of his life. He is a processed foods guy (I am not saying I am not a processed food gal... but I do like most vegetables, I enjoy raw nuts (by themselves, not mixed in baked goods), and have not met a fruit I do not enjoy)...
Long story short, I sat there in the comfy chair and read the introduction of a couple "raw" books. I was intrigued. And I have been back to Barnes & Noble everyday since, literally, and have read through all of those cookbooks. I am mesmerized. The whole concept just makes sense. Optimal foods lead to optimal wellness. Could you be any more in tune with nature & God than eating only that which is naturaly created on His land?
The pictures of the dishes and the recipes literally make my mouth water. And ever since Monday, I actually find myself feeling guilty when I am eating something that isn't raw. Is that even possible for someone who has never once gone a day of eating 100% raw? It sounds crazy, even to me.
I am a person that, many know, has teetered on the edge of vegetarianism many times. I do not like eating meat, I mean taste-wise, yes I enjoy meat... but I do not like the thought of eating meat. When I actually think about what I am eating, it makes me nauseous. And I know for a fact, any and all of my stomach problems are associated with eating meat and animal products. The 3 months I trialed vegetarianism, health wise, I felt better than I ever had. My first meat-meal back made me violently ill.
So I broke down and bought my first raw cookbook this afternoon. I thought it might save some gas money, since I will no longer need to drive to Barnes & Noble everyday. Whether this book will get use, we'll see. I want it to. But it could end up just being another one of my short-lived obsessions. And I cannot do this without Loren, it is far too expensive to buy all organic foods and his processed foods, too. Plus, the idea came about because of his health. But now he seems less on board, now that his stomach pain has seceded...
If nothing else, I think it cannot hurt to try. From all I've read (pro and against), after the initial detox period, everyone begins to feel absolutely amazing on a raw food diet. Ecstasy amazing. Who wouldn't want that, even if just for a while?
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Discontent
This is a common theme in my writings and my thoughts, but I am discontent.
It seems that, with me, I am always looking forward to something... and if, by chance, there isn't anything big to look forward to, I become down. Sad. Angry. Once the exhilaration of something dies off or slows, I suddenly find myself needing something else. Something new. Something different.
...i would be the worst kind of drug junkie.
I know this has to be common. I know I am not alone in this. And I also know this is not necessarily a bad trait. Personally, I both love and hate this about myself. I like that it keeps me on my toes, that I am never quite satisfied with things, that I constantly want to improve upon or try something else. I like that it keeps me optimistic when looking to the future. I dislike this trait for some of the same reasons. One problem is, once I become dissatisfied in something... I give up on it. I need to do something else. This is why I have never kept a hobby going for more than a month or so - a year at best. I dislike that my discontent leaves me feeling often miserable and bored.
The funny part of this all is that when I am content it is most often found in the more ordinary and less than earth shattering aspects of life.
I remember very few instances in my life when I felt at ease and content. Oddly, most of those moments have to do with Morgantown traffic. In general, I despise sitting in traffic... I always tend to feel like I am in a rush, rushing towards something, anything. But on some rare occasions, when the sun is shining, and traffic is heavy... I find myself at peace in my car. I sing along with the songs playing through my stereo and just sit. The sun on my face, a good song in my ears, and a content heart.
Another instance in which I can sometimes find myself at ease is when I am immersed in prayer and God's presence. That can really create a wonderful feeling within me.
The only other time I can remember being completely content was on my honeymoon. I could have stayed holed up in that gorgeous cabin, just living off of my irrevocable love for Loren and been happy -- forever.
The love lasts... but that cabin didn't last forever and neither did the content heart - here we are, back to the real world. Busy and tired. And here I am, itching for something new to do.
When will I be content? How long will I be discontent? Will it ever end? Or am I just destined to a life of chasing some invisible utopia...
Perhaps I will be content once I graduate. Perhaps I will be content once we move into a bigger, nicer apartment. Perhaps I will be content if we take the internship and move to Fort Collins, CO in August. I am sure all of these will grant me a moment of serenity and a quiet mind ---- but it won't last. It never does...
"i have spoke with the tongue of angels, i have held the hand of a devil, it was warm in the night, i was cold as a stone... but i still haven't found what i'm looking for..."
It seems that, with me, I am always looking forward to something... and if, by chance, there isn't anything big to look forward to, I become down. Sad. Angry. Once the exhilaration of something dies off or slows, I suddenly find myself needing something else. Something new. Something different.
...i would be the worst kind of drug junkie.
I know this has to be common. I know I am not alone in this. And I also know this is not necessarily a bad trait. Personally, I both love and hate this about myself. I like that it keeps me on my toes, that I am never quite satisfied with things, that I constantly want to improve upon or try something else. I like that it keeps me optimistic when looking to the future. I dislike this trait for some of the same reasons. One problem is, once I become dissatisfied in something... I give up on it. I need to do something else. This is why I have never kept a hobby going for more than a month or so - a year at best. I dislike that my discontent leaves me feeling often miserable and bored.
The funny part of this all is that when I am content it is most often found in the more ordinary and less than earth shattering aspects of life.
I remember very few instances in my life when I felt at ease and content. Oddly, most of those moments have to do with Morgantown traffic. In general, I despise sitting in traffic... I always tend to feel like I am in a rush, rushing towards something, anything. But on some rare occasions, when the sun is shining, and traffic is heavy... I find myself at peace in my car. I sing along with the songs playing through my stereo and just sit. The sun on my face, a good song in my ears, and a content heart.
Another instance in which I can sometimes find myself at ease is when I am immersed in prayer and God's presence. That can really create a wonderful feeling within me.
The only other time I can remember being completely content was on my honeymoon. I could have stayed holed up in that gorgeous cabin, just living off of my irrevocable love for Loren and been happy -- forever.
The love lasts... but that cabin didn't last forever and neither did the content heart - here we are, back to the real world. Busy and tired. And here I am, itching for something new to do.
When will I be content? How long will I be discontent? Will it ever end? Or am I just destined to a life of chasing some invisible utopia...
Perhaps I will be content once I graduate. Perhaps I will be content once we move into a bigger, nicer apartment. Perhaps I will be content if we take the internship and move to Fort Collins, CO in August. I am sure all of these will grant me a moment of serenity and a quiet mind ---- but it won't last. It never does...
"i have spoke with the tongue of angels, i have held the hand of a devil, it was warm in the night, i was cold as a stone... but i still haven't found what i'm looking for..."
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Angry Shopper
This is a post in which I will rant about the difficulty I have in finding a good pair of jeans.
I really do not like shopping.
*gasp* I know.
It's rare to find a girl that doesn't like shopping. But I don't. And I think it stems from my a) lack of decision making skills and b) my urge to save rather than spend money. However, it has to be done on occasion. For a while now I have been needing a new pair of jeans. A pair of "everyday" jeans. I have my dressier dark washes and my wide leg, uber comfy, really-wish-loren-liked-that-style jeans... but my "everyday casual" lighter wash jeans have been ripped in the leg and I really just need a new pair. One would think that since I work at Old Navy I would be able to alleviate this situation quite easily... wrong. I really don't like ON jeans. At least not the classic jeans (I occasionally have found a pair in the "special" or "dressier" sections) they have. So after work today I went to the mall to find my new favorite jeans. Let me tell you - everything is either too expensive, not long enough, or too long. For example, in my past I have only loved American Eagle jeans, but now that I have other things to pay for, paying 45+ for jeans seams outrageous. Especially if they are as poor of quality as AE. Plus, I'm not a teen anymore and wearing the teenager jeans just doesn't feel right these days. Gap is another store that has nice jeans, tailored towards the grown up, but the regular length is too short and the long is way too long. And they are expensive (but since ON is part of Gap, Inc. I get a discount :)). I suppose I should look into hiring a seamstress, that way I could get the "long" in jeans at all stores and not have to worry about it. But again, I am cheap. So, I came home jeanless.... but I did find some nice boots to wear with my church dresses/skirts in the winter! Oh, and some exercise clothes from ON that were on sale.
So not all lost... but not what I needed.
I really do not like shopping.
*gasp* I know.
It's rare to find a girl that doesn't like shopping. But I don't. And I think it stems from my a) lack of decision making skills and b) my urge to save rather than spend money. However, it has to be done on occasion. For a while now I have been needing a new pair of jeans. A pair of "everyday" jeans. I have my dressier dark washes and my wide leg, uber comfy, really-wish-loren-liked-that-style jeans... but my "everyday casual" lighter wash jeans have been ripped in the leg and I really just need a new pair. One would think that since I work at Old Navy I would be able to alleviate this situation quite easily... wrong. I really don't like ON jeans. At least not the classic jeans (I occasionally have found a pair in the "special" or "dressier" sections) they have. So after work today I went to the mall to find my new favorite jeans. Let me tell you - everything is either too expensive, not long enough, or too long. For example, in my past I have only loved American Eagle jeans, but now that I have other things to pay for, paying 45+ for jeans seams outrageous. Especially if they are as poor of quality as AE. Plus, I'm not a teen anymore and wearing the teenager jeans just doesn't feel right these days. Gap is another store that has nice jeans, tailored towards the grown up, but the regular length is too short and the long is way too long. And they are expensive (but since ON is part of Gap, Inc. I get a discount :)). I suppose I should look into hiring a seamstress, that way I could get the "long" in jeans at all stores and not have to worry about it. But again, I am cheap. So, I came home jeanless.... but I did find some nice boots to wear with my church dresses/skirts in the winter! Oh, and some exercise clothes from ON that were on sale.
So not all lost... but not what I needed.
Friday, January 30, 2009
WATCH FOR ICE
Here I am, at home. Any normal Friday I would be home around this time, out of class for the weekend, but today I did not attend any classes. Now, anyone that knows me knows that this is not some abnormal phenomenon. I skip class often. Way too often. But today is not really just a case of skipping... I mean it is, but kinda not. Yesterday while walking to class I fell REALLY HARD on a solid sheet of ice that lay atop the road. It was a rough fall in that it caused an instantaneous head, neck, back, wrist, & bum ache, but not rough in that I was able to continue on my way. I continued with my day, only mildly aching. I went to work my Thursday midnight shift, as per usual. At 9am, when I was returning home from work I was walking to my apartment, being extra careful, because of course I was a little uneasy having just fallen yesterday and not wanting a repeat. I chose the best route, I walked on the clear road until I was within reaching distance of a car so I could hold onto it as I walked over the ice to the sidewalk near my apartment. Without knowing how or what happened, as is the case with falls usually, I suddenly found myself on the ground... again. This time was noticeably different. I had fallen on my tale bone, just as I had the first time, but it hurt SO much more. The car that was meant to be my walking help became a tool of pain. When my feet flew out from under me and into the air they slammed up against the underneath of the car and my hand, hoping to find something to break my fall, was cut by said car. I sat there for a minute, half on my back and saying some not so nice words in my head, nearly in tears. I tried to get up, wincing in pain, and could not get a footing. At this time, as would be expected, a guy from the apartment next to this road came out and just looked at me. Embarrassing, but only slightly, I was in too much pain and struggle to fret about him. However, it does bother me that he did not say a word or offer to help, he just stared. And this guy lives above me, he is my neighbor. How rude! :-P I eventually, while the neighbor continued to stare, scooted myself over to the less icy sidewalk, grabbed onto a tree and the car that was meant to help me in the first place, and pulled myself to my knees and then feet. ---- This incredibly long, boring description is really just to inform you of why I am not in class today. It pains me to move, sit, walk, anything really. So I am relaxing and working on laundry in those moments that I feel the gumption to move from my couch.
Moral of the story: *WATCH FOR ICE*
Speaking of laundry -- my washing machine, my less than 2 years old nice GE washer, is fixed as of this morning. It had been broken since October. In October it had only been in working order three months since the first time it was broken. I have had a working washer 3 months out of the 9 months I have lived in this apartment. It is glorious to have it now... Loren dirties a lot of clothing.
Random Side Story:
I have never stuck with blogging in the past. It has been an on-again-off-again hobby of mine since 2005. But this time I have found that by getting into other blogs, I feel more motivated to write in mine. I have started reading two perfect strangers blogs and I must say... I love it. I feel so intrigued by these two women. I came across both through my high school friend/blogging buddy Jessica (http://www.scrapbookngirl.blogspot.com/). One is Elizabeth from Utah (http://www.elizabethkartchner.blogspot.com/). She is a wonderful scrapbooker and is so incredibly talented... with the cutest family ever. The other blog, that I think I may truly be obsessed with, is Kelly (http://www.kellyskornerblog.blogspot.com/). I came across Kelly when Jessica had something talking about "Praying for Harper" I clicked on this link and it led me to Kelly's blog. She has an incredible story and is truly a beautiful girl inside & out (I've read a billion of her older posts and feel like I know her, haha). Check them out if you're ever feeling froggy!
I set out to write this blog about my many blessings and how often I ignore them... but since this has been so long, I will save that for another day. But I will just say that my number one blessing is my husband. I take him for granted, fight with him too much, and give him too many headaches... but he really is the biggest blessing I could ever receive. I love him more than I could ever express in this blog... More about that & other blessings later. :)
Moral of the story: *WATCH FOR ICE*
Speaking of laundry -- my washing machine, my less than 2 years old nice GE washer, is fixed as of this morning. It had been broken since October. In October it had only been in working order three months since the first time it was broken. I have had a working washer 3 months out of the 9 months I have lived in this apartment. It is glorious to have it now... Loren dirties a lot of clothing.
Random Side Story:
I have never stuck with blogging in the past. It has been an on-again-off-again hobby of mine since 2005. But this time I have found that by getting into other blogs, I feel more motivated to write in mine. I have started reading two perfect strangers blogs and I must say... I love it. I feel so intrigued by these two women. I came across both through my high school friend/blogging buddy Jessica (http://www.scrapbookngirl.blogspot.com/). One is Elizabeth from Utah (http://www.elizabethkartchner.blogspot.com/). She is a wonderful scrapbooker and is so incredibly talented... with the cutest family ever. The other blog, that I think I may truly be obsessed with, is Kelly (http://www.kellyskornerblog.blogspot.com/). I came across Kelly when Jessica had something talking about "Praying for Harper" I clicked on this link and it led me to Kelly's blog. She has an incredible story and is truly a beautiful girl inside & out (I've read a billion of her older posts and feel like I know her, haha). Check them out if you're ever feeling froggy!
I set out to write this blog about my many blessings and how often I ignore them... but since this has been so long, I will save that for another day. But I will just say that my number one blessing is my husband. I take him for granted, fight with him too much, and give him too many headaches... but he really is the biggest blessing I could ever receive. I love him more than I could ever express in this blog... More about that & other blessings later. :)
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
GOOD NEWS
Here I am - writing from my couch, where I intend to be for the next couple days while my punctured artery heals from the cebrebral angiogram I had yesterday morning. (In all honesty, I could probably head back to class tomorrow, but if a nurse tells me I can stay out thru Friday... I'm going to, much to Loren's dislike :-P)
In a cerebral angiogram, a catheter is inserted into the femoral artery (upper thigh/groin area) and is fed through blood vessels all the way through the body up into the neck. Once in the neck, a contrast dye is released into the brain so x-ray images can be taken. In my case, this was done in order to take a closer look at my brain aneurysm so the doctors could figure out the next step, surgery or otherwise. However, once the angiogram was over, I was told that what my neursurgeon thought was an aneurysm was actully just part of my brain. Turns out, I have a weird brain layout! Thank You, Lord... many prayers have been answered!
So, while this is incredible news it is also slightly disheartening. Since we now know that an aneurysm is NOT the reason for all of my symptoms over the last 18 months, I am kinda back at square one as to knowing what IS the cause. But, I am not worried about it. None of my symptoms really interfere with my life much, other than the headaches, and I am used to those... besides, I haven't experienced many of them in a couple of months. So I'll just let it go, unless something gets worse. There are no answers to be found right now, so I'm moving on. :)
For now, I'm going to enjoy my couch time and then I am going to enjoy the Mountaineers for Christ Winter Retreat this weekend... life is good!
p.s. Loren & I have now been happily married for one month! I am so excited to spend the next many years with him!! ♥
In a cerebral angiogram, a catheter is inserted into the femoral artery (upper thigh/groin area) and is fed through blood vessels all the way through the body up into the neck. Once in the neck, a contrast dye is released into the brain so x-ray images can be taken. In my case, this was done in order to take a closer look at my brain aneurysm so the doctors could figure out the next step, surgery or otherwise. However, once the angiogram was over, I was told that what my neursurgeon thought was an aneurysm was actully just part of my brain. Turns out, I have a weird brain layout! Thank You, Lord... many prayers have been answered!
So, while this is incredible news it is also slightly disheartening. Since we now know that an aneurysm is NOT the reason for all of my symptoms over the last 18 months, I am kinda back at square one as to knowing what IS the cause. But, I am not worried about it. None of my symptoms really interfere with my life much, other than the headaches, and I am used to those... besides, I haven't experienced many of them in a couple of months. So I'll just let it go, unless something gets worse. There are no answers to be found right now, so I'm moving on. :)
For now, I'm going to enjoy my couch time and then I am going to enjoy the Mountaineers for Christ Winter Retreat this weekend... life is good!
p.s. Loren & I have now been happily married for one month! I am so excited to spend the next many years with him!! ♥
Thursday, January 15, 2009
SLEEP DEPRIVATION
It is week one of the new semester and I am already exhausted. It's not the classes themselves that are causing my bloodshot eyes and weary bones - but the culmination of two jobs, classes, church things, and marriage. I have a very limited amount of energy as it is (this probably means I need to work out more and take vitamins regularly), so I really cannot handle too much activity!
On the other hand, the good news is: I don't hate any of my classes. Yay!
I'm making progress on my knitting, I'm pretty proud of myself, I must say. It's all starting to actually look like a scarf, which makes me feel good. :)
As for the other resolutions... well, we'll see.
On the other hand, the good news is: I don't hate any of my classes. Yay!
I'm making progress on my knitting, I'm pretty proud of myself, I must say. It's all starting to actually look like a scarf, which makes me feel good. :)
As for the other resolutions... well, we'll see.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
BELATED RESOLUTIONS
With every start to the new year I inevitably begin a list of things I want to accomplish throughout the twelve months. And with every year that list of resolutions inevitably falls by the wayside. I'm really not sure if I have ever successfully kept a New Year resolution. But I continue to make these resolutions... and this year is absolutely no different.
My list this year is, as follows:
1. Learn to knit. -- I tried to learn knitting last year but gave up because it hurt my fingers. Years ago, my Mama & I learned to crochet and I was pretty good at that... but I gave that up, too. BUT this is a NEW year... and this is a rollover resolution. I have a good feeling about this one... :)
2. Start scrapbooking. -- I tried scrapbooking for the first time last spring and I really, really liked it. The problem is, I lack creativity. However, I think that since I enjoyed it so much I might be able to pull some stuff together in a somewhat pretty way. I especially want to do a wedding scrapbook. It might end up being the only one I ever do... but, I hope not because I have a few ideas in my mind that I would like to make happen someday.
3. Be a GREAT wife. -- This one is not so much a year goal as it is a life goal. As a newlywed I really want to do all I can to be the best wife for my husband. This will involve other life goals, such as: being less selfish, thinking before speaking, working on communication skills, etc...
4. Cook more often & try new recipes. -- This is sort of a continuation of #3. I have always wanted to be a good cook and to cook often, but never found the need to when it was just me. Now that I have Loren here with me, I find much more of a desire to cook and prepare tasty meals.
5. Study the Bible in its entirety. -- This resolution is two-fold. Our church is doing a "Look at the Book" series in 2009; our bible study classes will cover the entire book in a year. As part of this series, Loren & I will be expanding on the church study by conducting our own personal couple study. It's always been a goal of mine to read the bible straight through and study it, but I never make it on my own. So I look forward to doing it with the help of the church & my husband.
6. Pray with Loren, A LOT. -- Loren and I have struggled with this so far in our relationship, neither of us used to praying in a one-on-one, personal setting. It is incredibly hard for me since I never pray out loud at all, save the spiritual formation group meetings last year with Amanda & Brianna. But even that was with girls only. It is something I need to work on personally and with Loren. I love prayer, it is vital in my spiritual growth... I've just never verbalized my prayers to anyone else but God. We'll work on it, we're making great strides already. :)
7. Help Loren to do the best job possible as the campus minister this semester. -- This goes without saying. I want to help him in any way possible. I want this semester to be full of growth and bonding within our student group. I hope we expand and are able to reach many students on campus. I have complete faith that Loren will do a great job with this opportunity that God has handed us.
8. Buckle down, study, & attend all classes. -- I have struggled with this my entire college career. And now, entering my last undergrad semester, I feel it is time to step up my game! I am carrying 18 hours, which will be tough on its own... not to mention the two jobs, the campus ministry, and being married. But I really want to do well in my classes... and I have faith that I can, I just have to put in more effort than I am used to. :-P
9. Work out more. -- Let's face it, this is ALWAYS the goal with women... and we fail most years. But maybe, JUST MAYBE, this is my year to actually make it happen... here's hoping!
10. To grow closer to God. -- This is an everyday, lifelong goal. I basically just want to deepen my relationship with Him and spend as much time as I can in His presence. Life has been put into perspective for me lately with all that has been going on... and I realize that there really is nothing more important than my life as a Christian.
These are my goals... we'll see how many I can stick to this year. ;)
My list this year is, as follows:
1. Learn to knit. -- I tried to learn knitting last year but gave up because it hurt my fingers. Years ago, my Mama & I learned to crochet and I was pretty good at that... but I gave that up, too. BUT this is a NEW year... and this is a rollover resolution. I have a good feeling about this one... :)
2. Start scrapbooking. -- I tried scrapbooking for the first time last spring and I really, really liked it. The problem is, I lack creativity. However, I think that since I enjoyed it so much I might be able to pull some stuff together in a somewhat pretty way. I especially want to do a wedding scrapbook. It might end up being the only one I ever do... but, I hope not because I have a few ideas in my mind that I would like to make happen someday.
3. Be a GREAT wife. -- This one is not so much a year goal as it is a life goal. As a newlywed I really want to do all I can to be the best wife for my husband. This will involve other life goals, such as: being less selfish, thinking before speaking, working on communication skills, etc...
4. Cook more often & try new recipes. -- This is sort of a continuation of #3. I have always wanted to be a good cook and to cook often, but never found the need to when it was just me. Now that I have Loren here with me, I find much more of a desire to cook and prepare tasty meals.
5. Study the Bible in its entirety. -- This resolution is two-fold. Our church is doing a "Look at the Book" series in 2009; our bible study classes will cover the entire book in a year. As part of this series, Loren & I will be expanding on the church study by conducting our own personal couple study. It's always been a goal of mine to read the bible straight through and study it, but I never make it on my own. So I look forward to doing it with the help of the church & my husband.
6. Pray with Loren, A LOT. -- Loren and I have struggled with this so far in our relationship, neither of us used to praying in a one-on-one, personal setting. It is incredibly hard for me since I never pray out loud at all, save the spiritual formation group meetings last year with Amanda & Brianna. But even that was with girls only. It is something I need to work on personally and with Loren. I love prayer, it is vital in my spiritual growth... I've just never verbalized my prayers to anyone else but God. We'll work on it, we're making great strides already. :)
7. Help Loren to do the best job possible as the campus minister this semester. -- This goes without saying. I want to help him in any way possible. I want this semester to be full of growth and bonding within our student group. I hope we expand and are able to reach many students on campus. I have complete faith that Loren will do a great job with this opportunity that God has handed us.
8. Buckle down, study, & attend all classes. -- I have struggled with this my entire college career. And now, entering my last undergrad semester, I feel it is time to step up my game! I am carrying 18 hours, which will be tough on its own... not to mention the two jobs, the campus ministry, and being married. But I really want to do well in my classes... and I have faith that I can, I just have to put in more effort than I am used to. :-P
9. Work out more. -- Let's face it, this is ALWAYS the goal with women... and we fail most years. But maybe, JUST MAYBE, this is my year to actually make it happen... here's hoping!
10. To grow closer to God. -- This is an everyday, lifelong goal. I basically just want to deepen my relationship with Him and spend as much time as I can in His presence. Life has been put into perspective for me lately with all that has been going on... and I realize that there really is nothing more important than my life as a Christian.
These are my goals... we'll see how many I can stick to this year. ;)
Saturday, January 10, 2009
NEW THINGS
Here is a list of the new things in my life since I last wrote:
I'm married. Loren & I had the most beautiful wedding on December 20, 2008...
I enjoyed the most draining but wonderful week of my life: honeymoon in Canaan, 4 Christmas celebrations, a weekend in Charlotte, NC for the Meineke Car Care Bowl that WVU was playing in. We were exhausted by the end of it, but it was worth every weary bone...
My father-in-law, Carl, found a bone marrow donor and will be undergoing his bone marrow transplant starting in late January. It will be a long and very grueling process, but we pray it will cure him. It is truly a blessing that a donor was found so quickly...
I started teaching the kiddos bible school at church. The way our church does it is that each month is a different subject. This month it is John the Baptist. And each week you teach a different age group. It is very nice because you basically just teach the same lesson four Sundays in a row. Last week I had the 2nd & 3rd graders. This week it will be the 4th & 5th graders. It's a pretty sweet gig...
Loren was offered (and accepted) the position of the fill-in campus minister here at WVU. It is only for a six-month period as of now, but we are told it could very well end up being full-time and his career! We are so blessed by this; this is what Loren had wanted to pursue as his career, and it just fell into our laps. Sadly, it is at the expense of our beloved campus minister, mentor, & friend Jason Locke. He and his family are headed out west to Fresno, CA...
I found out that I have a brain aneurysm and will be starting the process of testing and possible brain surgery (to remove the aneurysm before it ruptures) on January 19th. It will probably be a long process, and not a fun one (or a cheap one), but thanks be to God for showing the doctors this now! It is so much better than not knowing and having it rupture & possibly kill me...
I cut my hair shorter than I have in a long time...
That is your catch-up on my life... next time I will get into the present. :)
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Quiet Contemplation...
I have felt for a while that I was heading into some form of a faith crisis or a personal storm. I could feel it bubbling up within me. I could feel the doubts cloud my mind. I found myself questioning aspects I had not questioned before...
Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."
Matthew 28:18-20
My main concern was not myself, but others. I consider myself to be a very open-minded person, perhaps too open-minded. Because my concern was this: All other religions have just as much conviction as Christians have. Why then are we so certain we are the "right" ones? I just had trouble accepting that all of those that don't believe exactly the same thing as I do will not find eternal salvation. I find that thought to be utterly disturbing and depressing. I hate the thought that people that are just "mislead" are going to find they are out of luck on Judgement Day. How can we know that we will not be the ones that are shocked and surprised at the end of this battle? If they know they are right, just as we know we are right... how can anyone be 100% certain? I know Christianity has all the arguments, and I believe them, but don't the others have their own arguments, as well? This has plagued me.
I found myself questioning whether this way was the right way. I found myself wondering if my Dad was really going to head to "hell" because he has not accepted Jesus as his personal savior. I know that to be the truth, the TRUTH, but surely you can imagine the trouble I find accepting this in general thought... I struggled.
However, throughout this past two weeks I have been praying a lot more, asking God to help me understand. To help me see. And in this past week, various things have been opened up to me, and last night brought what I needed out into plain view. First, I just felt my heart softening. God brought to my attention that I had become hard towards Him. Doubt after doubt was placed in my mind in an attepmt by Satan to pull me away from the truth. Through various "oh wow" experiences this past week, I felt God washing over me, letting me know He was in fact with me - reminding me of His awesomeness and power. Bible studies and the very cheesy, but very good movie "Fireproof" both really helped in reminding me of who Jesus is. And then, last night, during my weekly Supper & Study meeting with Mountaineers for Christ... I saw.
The Great Commission.
Our talk last night led into a discussion about the very things I was having so many troubles with. It led me to remember that my call, the call of all Christians, is to spread the Good News. I had trouble with salvation being so cut and dry, so black and white... when I tend to see in shades of gray. But it does appear, through the God's Word, that it IS black and white, cut and dry. Jesus is the way, the only way. I realized that God will do what He sees fit on the day of judgement, but it is my duty now to do what He commands of me. And that is to spread the gospel to all I can.
For a while now, Loren and I have planned on going on a mission trip in some far off land, possible with Jennalea and Scott, too. We both have felt a call to do that for some time, long before we ever came together as a couple. But, it dawned on me that I cannot head overseas when I have so much work to do here, even in my own family. I am one of the few, possibly the only, Christian in my family (immediate and extended). How could I neglect their need to hear of Jesus' love? Their eternal life is at stake, how could I ignore that? The answer is: I cannot ignore it any longer.
I no longer doubt. My storm has passed and I am eager to pursue the avenues that God has shown me. I have my work cut out for me... but I do not fear.
Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."Matthew 28:18-20
Sunday, September 21, 2008
beauty in the breakdown...
i am watching a movie right now, "the holiday", one of my favorite chick flicks. while watching this movie i heard a song in the background. i have no idea what this song was or really what the words were... but, i can tell you at one point the lyrics were "there is beauty in the breakdown"... and this phrase in an unknown song that was backup music to a movie sent my head into spin. i can say that of all i have learned over the past two years, the most important thing i know is that there IS beauty in the breakdown.
i have been thinking a lot about things lately. about how much has changed for me. about how i am nowhere i had envisioned. about how lucky i am to be where i am and not where i thought i would be. i'm just so happy about that. i was so broken for so long... but it was beautiful for so many reasons. it was beautiful that it brought me closer to god. it was beautiful that it made me stronger as a person. it was beautiful that it brought me to loren... indirectly. beauty in the breakdown.
i'm getting married in may. i start grad school in may. i move into my first "home" in may. big month. --- just wanted to throw a countdown in there. ;o)
there seems to have been a lot of health issues for a lot of people lately... tests for this or that, complications, surgeries, etc. i, myself, have been experiencing some different symptoms as well as some old. and i go back in november or december for my next mri/mra to check on my brain. i don't know what i have. it all could add up to ms, it could all add up to something else, it could all add up to nothing at all. i don't worry about it. actually, i hardly think of it beyond recording my symptoms for the neurologist......... this does have a point. and that point is that through all of my past breaking, i think i have become content with some things. i don't worry about my health so much because i know that sick or not, i will be taken care of. i am content because i know i have god. i may not be happy, but i am definitely not sad. if sick, i could use it as a form of witnessing; and i think that would be a blessing. i think this contentedness may be one of my better accomplishments thus far... and i owe it, as with everything else, to god.
if only i could be content in other aspects of my life... i am terrible at that. but i have a feeling god is working on that with me, too...
i have been thinking a lot about things lately. about how much has changed for me. about how i am nowhere i had envisioned. about how lucky i am to be where i am and not where i thought i would be. i'm just so happy about that. i was so broken for so long... but it was beautiful for so many reasons. it was beautiful that it brought me closer to god. it was beautiful that it made me stronger as a person. it was beautiful that it brought me to loren... indirectly. beauty in the breakdown.
i'm getting married in may. i start grad school in may. i move into my first "home" in may. big month. --- just wanted to throw a countdown in there. ;o)
there seems to have been a lot of health issues for a lot of people lately... tests for this or that, complications, surgeries, etc. i, myself, have been experiencing some different symptoms as well as some old. and i go back in november or december for my next mri/mra to check on my brain. i don't know what i have. it all could add up to ms, it could all add up to something else, it could all add up to nothing at all. i don't worry about it. actually, i hardly think of it beyond recording my symptoms for the neurologist......... this does have a point. and that point is that through all of my past breaking, i think i have become content with some things. i don't worry about my health so much because i know that sick or not, i will be taken care of. i am content because i know i have god. i may not be happy, but i am definitely not sad. if sick, i could use it as a form of witnessing; and i think that would be a blessing. i think this contentedness may be one of my better accomplishments thus far... and i owe it, as with everything else, to god.
if only i could be content in other aspects of my life... i am terrible at that. but i have a feeling god is working on that with me, too...
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Mentally Exhausting
Originally Posted: Aug 8, 2008
All of those times Loren told me that working for REM was mentally draining -- I did not believe him. When you have a job that you spend most of your time watching TV or shopping or going out to restaurants (basically just watching, kinda-participating-in, normal life) you tend to not see the hard part that can come from working with the mentally disabled. However, after these past few weeks, my brain is fried from my less than (physically) demanding job. The trouble with this type of work situation is - it is unpredictable. The clients can be completely happy-go-lucky one day and completely physically aggressive and unresponsive the next day. Not that that aspect is not difficult enough to deal with -- but even worse than that -- is knowing how capable my particular clients are. I have discovered that I am basically there just to babysit. Maintain them. Not help them in any real way. The two guys I work with are smart, so much smarter than they are given credit for, and yet REM insists on treating them as children -- because their guardians treat them as children. The guys know this and use this to their advantage -- unbelievably manipulative, these two.
THAT is what frustrates me. I wouldn't mind the behaviors, the cursing, the derogatory remarks, the physical aggression, the refusal to work... IF I knew they could not help their behaviors. However, they can. They use these behaviors as leverage. As an attempt to gain something they want or as an attempt to get out of something they do not want.
And THAT is all too mentally exhausting. No wonder this company has an insane turn-over rate. We DSE's do no real good. I feel used and worthless with this job. I won't lie, there are definite perks to the job. In example, today: I took a short cat nap while I was working because my two clients were napping in their rooms, I was treated to a free delicious meal at Bob Evan's this afternoon, and I was able to chill out and watch multiple episodes of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Definite perks.
But it is coming to the point where the stress and my inability to leave the work at work is outweighing all of the said perks.I cannot decide whether to stay or go. Frustrating.
All of those times Loren told me that working for REM was mentally draining -- I did not believe him. When you have a job that you spend most of your time watching TV or shopping or going out to restaurants (basically just watching, kinda-participating-in, normal life) you tend to not see the hard part that can come from working with the mentally disabled. However, after these past few weeks, my brain is fried from my less than (physically) demanding job. The trouble with this type of work situation is - it is unpredictable. The clients can be completely happy-go-lucky one day and completely physically aggressive and unresponsive the next day. Not that that aspect is not difficult enough to deal with -- but even worse than that -- is knowing how capable my particular clients are. I have discovered that I am basically there just to babysit. Maintain them. Not help them in any real way. The two guys I work with are smart, so much smarter than they are given credit for, and yet REM insists on treating them as children -- because their guardians treat them as children. The guys know this and use this to their advantage -- unbelievably manipulative, these two.
THAT is what frustrates me. I wouldn't mind the behaviors, the cursing, the derogatory remarks, the physical aggression, the refusal to work... IF I knew they could not help their behaviors. However, they can. They use these behaviors as leverage. As an attempt to gain something they want or as an attempt to get out of something they do not want.
And THAT is all too mentally exhausting. No wonder this company has an insane turn-over rate. We DSE's do no real good. I feel used and worthless with this job. I won't lie, there are definite perks to the job. In example, today: I took a short cat nap while I was working because my two clients were napping in their rooms, I was treated to a free delicious meal at Bob Evan's this afternoon, and I was able to chill out and watch multiple episodes of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Definite perks.
But it is coming to the point where the stress and my inability to leave the work at work is outweighing all of the said perks.I cannot decide whether to stay or go. Frustrating.
Friday, May 30, 2008
20hr. Shift: A Tired Toni
Here I am. At work. Shift 2 of 3 consecutive shifts. And while I have been tired all day due to a lack of enough sleep last night -- this shift will still be the best of the 3. Midnight shifts cannot be beat... as I stated in a post not long ago. Plus, I am in over time. So, let's recap: I am being paid over $11/hr to sit on a couch, watch TV, play on the internet, and doze off to sleep every few hours. It's a beautiful thing.
I am so excited to plan this wedding. I have no idea what our budget is; I have no idea how much moola we can save from now until May of '09. But I do know that I could not be more excited. Scared, but excited. To be Loren's wife is pretty much the very best thing I could think of. I love him more than anything and look forward to waking up next to him every morning for the rest of our lives. ;o)
We're trying to look into honeymoons first... for a couple reasons. a)If it comes between a nice wedding or a honeymood, I would choose a honeymoon and just get married on the beach while we're there. b)Knowing how important that aspect is to both of us, planning it first will help us know what kind of money we can spend on the wedding. The point is: the honeymood comes first in a list of priorities. I mean, a honeymoon is the real celebration of a joining couple. A wedding is just a fancy party -- and neither of us are big fans of parties. So anyway, I'm hoping for St. Lucia. It's where I've always wanted to go, since I was just a tiny tot, and looking into it, it's not too bad. I would prefer to stay at one of the Sandals resorts... those places are amazing. I can't wait to book it!... and even more, I can't wait to be there!
All of this is so exciting, so mind consuming, I cannot think of anything else for very long at all... I love my life.
Goodnight... and check out our wedding site!
http://cs01.ewedding.com/v30/welcome.php/mrandmrsbrainard/
I am so excited to plan this wedding. I have no idea what our budget is; I have no idea how much moola we can save from now until May of '09. But I do know that I could not be more excited. Scared, but excited. To be Loren's wife is pretty much the very best thing I could think of. I love him more than anything and look forward to waking up next to him every morning for the rest of our lives. ;o)
We're trying to look into honeymoons first... for a couple reasons. a)If it comes between a nice wedding or a honeymood, I would choose a honeymoon and just get married on the beach while we're there. b)Knowing how important that aspect is to both of us, planning it first will help us know what kind of money we can spend on the wedding. The point is: the honeymood comes first in a list of priorities. I mean, a honeymoon is the real celebration of a joining couple. A wedding is just a fancy party -- and neither of us are big fans of parties. So anyway, I'm hoping for St. Lucia. It's where I've always wanted to go, since I was just a tiny tot, and looking into it, it's not too bad. I would prefer to stay at one of the Sandals resorts... those places are amazing. I can't wait to book it!... and even more, I can't wait to be there!
All of this is so exciting, so mind consuming, I cannot think of anything else for very long at all... I love my life.
Goodnight... and check out our wedding site!
http://cs01.ewedding.com/v30/welcome.php/mrandmrsbrainard/
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