I think that as soon as Loren and I came home from our honeymoon and stepped out into the real world as man & wife, I stepped into a shielded armor of defense. I think that divorces, failed marriages and relationships have been so drilled into my brain that on some subconscious level, I was already preparing myself for the worst. I think that at the first squabble or instance of conflict in our marriage I started to scramble...
I have been so concerned with the "what ifs" that I completely forgot to savor all the great things about marriage. I was so quick to forget all the little things Loren would do for me on a daily basis and solely focus on the negative, endlessly focus on the negative.
I wanted to fix things that were not even broken... I no longer want to do that.
Sure, I'm going to worry. I'll worry about things I cannot fix and things that really mean nothing in the big picture. That's what I do and I haven't ever found a way to stop that. But now, instead of letting my worries consume me -- I want to let the blessings of this marriage consume me and the worries just be a passing thought or two.
I am blessed in knowing that Loren is the only man I am ever going to wake up beside.
I am blessed to have such a strong spiritual leader as my husband.
I am blessed to know that when I am 90 I will have the pleasure of sitting next to a sweet, but grumpy old man... in our matching rocking chairs.
I am blessed to be able to tell my future children that their father is, by far, the very best man I have ever, ever known.
I am so blessed...
"praise God from whom all blessings flow..."
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Friday, February 27, 2009
Light Bulb?
For the last few days I have been tossing around the idea of, at least, trialing a raw food diet.
("raw" meaning: unprocessed, fresh, organic, vegan, and never cooked above the temperature of 116 degrees)
It was brought to my attention a month or more ago by my Mama. She thought Loren & I should give it a whirl, or at least incorporate more raw foods into our diet, in an effort to help alleviate some of Loren's stomach problems -- as raw foods are supposed to be incredible for digestion. At the time, I basically laughed in my Mom's face (or ear, since we were on the phone). I had no interest in this "hippy fad" because I love my burgers and fries. I literally pictured myself eating seaweed and heads of lettuce for dinner. The only experience I had with the term "raw food diet" came from a Sex & the City episode I had seen where the girls mocked the raw food movement, talking of how gross it tasted...
Anyway, I didn't think another thing of it until Monday night. Loren and I went to the movies to see "Taken" (fabulous movie, by the way). We had a gift card, so we decided to go ahead and get that huge bucket of popcorn the theater passes off as a normal portion. Sadly, Loren missed the last 20-25 minutes of the movie because he was sick in the bathroom, probably from the popcorn and pop. After leaving the theater, we stopped by Barnes & Noble just to browse around while his stomach settled. I noticed a section by the comfy chairs of all "raw" cookbooks. I mentioned what my mom had said to him, and very very surprisingly, he was not completely against the idea of trying it. Now, if you know Loren, you know that vegetables, nuts, and most fruits are not his favorite foods... in fact, they are his least favorite foods. He openly admits he could live off of pizza, Dr. Pepper, & Cheezits -- happily -- for the rest of his life. He is a processed foods guy (I am not saying I am not a processed food gal... but I do like most vegetables, I enjoy raw nuts (by themselves, not mixed in baked goods), and have not met a fruit I do not enjoy)...
Long story short, I sat there in the comfy chair and read the introduction of a couple "raw" books. I was intrigued. And I have been back to Barnes & Noble everyday since, literally, and have read through all of those cookbooks. I am mesmerized. The whole concept just makes sense. Optimal foods lead to optimal wellness. Could you be any more in tune with nature & God than eating only that which is naturaly created on His land?
The pictures of the dishes and the recipes literally make my mouth water. And ever since Monday, I actually find myself feeling guilty when I am eating something that isn't raw. Is that even possible for someone who has never once gone a day of eating 100% raw? It sounds crazy, even to me.
I am a person that, many know, has teetered on the edge of vegetarianism many times. I do not like eating meat, I mean taste-wise, yes I enjoy meat... but I do not like the thought of eating meat. When I actually think about what I am eating, it makes me nauseous. And I know for a fact, any and all of my stomach problems are associated with eating meat and animal products. The 3 months I trialed vegetarianism, health wise, I felt better than I ever had. My first meat-meal back made me violently ill.
So I broke down and bought my first raw cookbook this afternoon. I thought it might save some gas money, since I will no longer need to drive to Barnes & Noble everyday. Whether this book will get use, we'll see. I want it to. But it could end up just being another one of my short-lived obsessions. And I cannot do this without Loren, it is far too expensive to buy all organic foods and his processed foods, too. Plus, the idea came about because of his health. But now he seems less on board, now that his stomach pain has seceded...
If nothing else, I think it cannot hurt to try. From all I've read (pro and against), after the initial detox period, everyone begins to feel absolutely amazing on a raw food diet. Ecstasy amazing. Who wouldn't want that, even if just for a while?
("raw" meaning: unprocessed, fresh, organic, vegan, and never cooked above the temperature of 116 degrees)
Anyway, I didn't think another thing of it until Monday night. Loren and I went to the movies to see "Taken" (fabulous movie, by the way). We had a gift card, so we decided to go ahead and get that huge bucket of popcorn the theater passes off as a normal portion. Sadly, Loren missed the last 20-25 minutes of the movie because he was sick in the bathroom, probably from the popcorn and pop. After leaving the theater, we stopped by Barnes & Noble just to browse around while his stomach settled. I noticed a section by the comfy chairs of all "raw" cookbooks. I mentioned what my mom had said to him, and very very surprisingly, he was not completely against the idea of trying it. Now, if you know Loren, you know that vegetables, nuts, and most fruits are not his favorite foods... in fact, they are his least favorite foods. He openly admits he could live off of pizza, Dr. Pepper, & Cheezits -- happily -- for the rest of his life. He is a processed foods guy (I am not saying I am not a processed food gal... but I do like most vegetables, I enjoy raw nuts (by themselves, not mixed in baked goods), and have not met a fruit I do not enjoy)...
Long story short, I sat there in the comfy chair and read the introduction of a couple "raw" books. I was intrigued. And I have been back to Barnes & Noble everyday since, literally, and have read through all of those cookbooks. I am mesmerized. The whole concept just makes sense. Optimal foods lead to optimal wellness. Could you be any more in tune with nature & God than eating only that which is naturaly created on His land?
The pictures of the dishes and the recipes literally make my mouth water. And ever since Monday, I actually find myself feeling guilty when I am eating something that isn't raw. Is that even possible for someone who has never once gone a day of eating 100% raw? It sounds crazy, even to me.
I am a person that, many know, has teetered on the edge of vegetarianism many times. I do not like eating meat, I mean taste-wise, yes I enjoy meat... but I do not like the thought of eating meat. When I actually think about what I am eating, it makes me nauseous. And I know for a fact, any and all of my stomach problems are associated with eating meat and animal products. The 3 months I trialed vegetarianism, health wise, I felt better than I ever had. My first meat-meal back made me violently ill.
So I broke down and bought my first raw cookbook this afternoon. I thought it might save some gas money, since I will no longer need to drive to Barnes & Noble everyday. Whether this book will get use, we'll see. I want it to. But it could end up just being another one of my short-lived obsessions. And I cannot do this without Loren, it is far too expensive to buy all organic foods and his processed foods, too. Plus, the idea came about because of his health. But now he seems less on board, now that his stomach pain has seceded...
If nothing else, I think it cannot hurt to try. From all I've read (pro and against), after the initial detox period, everyone begins to feel absolutely amazing on a raw food diet. Ecstasy amazing. Who wouldn't want that, even if just for a while?
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Discontent
This is a common theme in my writings and my thoughts, but I am discontent.
It seems that, with me, I am always looking forward to something... and if, by chance, there isn't anything big to look forward to, I become down. Sad. Angry. Once the exhilaration of something dies off or slows, I suddenly find myself needing something else. Something new. Something different.
...i would be the worst kind of drug junkie.
I know this has to be common. I know I am not alone in this. And I also know this is not necessarily a bad trait. Personally, I both love and hate this about myself. I like that it keeps me on my toes, that I am never quite satisfied with things, that I constantly want to improve upon or try something else. I like that it keeps me optimistic when looking to the future. I dislike this trait for some of the same reasons. One problem is, once I become dissatisfied in something... I give up on it. I need to do something else. This is why I have never kept a hobby going for more than a month or so - a year at best. I dislike that my discontent leaves me feeling often miserable and bored.
The funny part of this all is that when I am content it is most often found in the more ordinary and less than earth shattering aspects of life.
I remember very few instances in my life when I felt at ease and content. Oddly, most of those moments have to do with Morgantown traffic. In general, I despise sitting in traffic... I always tend to feel like I am in a rush, rushing towards something, anything. But on some rare occasions, when the sun is shining, and traffic is heavy... I find myself at peace in my car. I sing along with the songs playing through my stereo and just sit. The sun on my face, a good song in my ears, and a content heart.
Another instance in which I can sometimes find myself at ease is when I am immersed in prayer and God's presence. That can really create a wonderful feeling within me.
The only other time I can remember being completely content was on my honeymoon. I could have stayed holed up in that gorgeous cabin, just living off of my irrevocable love for Loren and been happy -- forever.
The love lasts... but that cabin didn't last forever and neither did the content heart - here we are, back to the real world. Busy and tired. And here I am, itching for something new to do.
When will I be content? How long will I be discontent? Will it ever end? Or am I just destined to a life of chasing some invisible utopia...
Perhaps I will be content once I graduate. Perhaps I will be content once we move into a bigger, nicer apartment. Perhaps I will be content if we take the internship and move to Fort Collins, CO in August. I am sure all of these will grant me a moment of serenity and a quiet mind ---- but it won't last. It never does...
"i have spoke with the tongue of angels, i have held the hand of a devil, it was warm in the night, i was cold as a stone... but i still haven't found what i'm looking for..."
It seems that, with me, I am always looking forward to something... and if, by chance, there isn't anything big to look forward to, I become down. Sad. Angry. Once the exhilaration of something dies off or slows, I suddenly find myself needing something else. Something new. Something different.
...i would be the worst kind of drug junkie.
I know this has to be common. I know I am not alone in this. And I also know this is not necessarily a bad trait. Personally, I both love and hate this about myself. I like that it keeps me on my toes, that I am never quite satisfied with things, that I constantly want to improve upon or try something else. I like that it keeps me optimistic when looking to the future. I dislike this trait for some of the same reasons. One problem is, once I become dissatisfied in something... I give up on it. I need to do something else. This is why I have never kept a hobby going for more than a month or so - a year at best. I dislike that my discontent leaves me feeling often miserable and bored.
The funny part of this all is that when I am content it is most often found in the more ordinary and less than earth shattering aspects of life.
I remember very few instances in my life when I felt at ease and content. Oddly, most of those moments have to do with Morgantown traffic. In general, I despise sitting in traffic... I always tend to feel like I am in a rush, rushing towards something, anything. But on some rare occasions, when the sun is shining, and traffic is heavy... I find myself at peace in my car. I sing along with the songs playing through my stereo and just sit. The sun on my face, a good song in my ears, and a content heart.
Another instance in which I can sometimes find myself at ease is when I am immersed in prayer and God's presence. That can really create a wonderful feeling within me.
The only other time I can remember being completely content was on my honeymoon. I could have stayed holed up in that gorgeous cabin, just living off of my irrevocable love for Loren and been happy -- forever.
The love lasts... but that cabin didn't last forever and neither did the content heart - here we are, back to the real world. Busy and tired. And here I am, itching for something new to do.
When will I be content? How long will I be discontent? Will it ever end? Or am I just destined to a life of chasing some invisible utopia...
Perhaps I will be content once I graduate. Perhaps I will be content once we move into a bigger, nicer apartment. Perhaps I will be content if we take the internship and move to Fort Collins, CO in August. I am sure all of these will grant me a moment of serenity and a quiet mind ---- but it won't last. It never does...
"i have spoke with the tongue of angels, i have held the hand of a devil, it was warm in the night, i was cold as a stone... but i still haven't found what i'm looking for..."
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Angry Shopper
This is a post in which I will rant about the difficulty I have in finding a good pair of jeans.
I really do not like shopping.
*gasp* I know.
It's rare to find a girl that doesn't like shopping. But I don't. And I think it stems from my a) lack of decision making skills and b) my urge to save rather than spend money. However, it has to be done on occasion. For a while now I have been needing a new pair of jeans. A pair of "everyday" jeans. I have my dressier dark washes and my wide leg, uber comfy, really-wish-loren-liked-that-style jeans... but my "everyday casual" lighter wash jeans have been ripped in the leg and I really just need a new pair. One would think that since I work at Old Navy I would be able to alleviate this situation quite easily... wrong. I really don't like ON jeans. At least not the classic jeans (I occasionally have found a pair in the "special" or "dressier" sections) they have. So after work today I went to the mall to find my new favorite jeans. Let me tell you - everything is either too expensive, not long enough, or too long. For example, in my past I have only loved American Eagle jeans, but now that I have other things to pay for, paying 45+ for jeans seams outrageous. Especially if they are as poor of quality as AE. Plus, I'm not a teen anymore and wearing the teenager jeans just doesn't feel right these days. Gap is another store that has nice jeans, tailored towards the grown up, but the regular length is too short and the long is way too long. And they are expensive (but since ON is part of Gap, Inc. I get a discount :)). I suppose I should look into hiring a seamstress, that way I could get the "long" in jeans at all stores and not have to worry about it. But again, I am cheap. So, I came home jeanless.... but I did find some nice boots to wear with my church dresses/skirts in the winter! Oh, and some exercise clothes from ON that were on sale.
So not all lost... but not what I needed.
I really do not like shopping.
*gasp* I know.
It's rare to find a girl that doesn't like shopping. But I don't. And I think it stems from my a) lack of decision making skills and b) my urge to save rather than spend money. However, it has to be done on occasion. For a while now I have been needing a new pair of jeans. A pair of "everyday" jeans. I have my dressier dark washes and my wide leg, uber comfy, really-wish-loren-liked-that-style jeans... but my "everyday casual" lighter wash jeans have been ripped in the leg and I really just need a new pair. One would think that since I work at Old Navy I would be able to alleviate this situation quite easily... wrong. I really don't like ON jeans. At least not the classic jeans (I occasionally have found a pair in the "special" or "dressier" sections) they have. So after work today I went to the mall to find my new favorite jeans. Let me tell you - everything is either too expensive, not long enough, or too long. For example, in my past I have only loved American Eagle jeans, but now that I have other things to pay for, paying 45+ for jeans seams outrageous. Especially if they are as poor of quality as AE. Plus, I'm not a teen anymore and wearing the teenager jeans just doesn't feel right these days. Gap is another store that has nice jeans, tailored towards the grown up, but the regular length is too short and the long is way too long. And they are expensive (but since ON is part of Gap, Inc. I get a discount :)). I suppose I should look into hiring a seamstress, that way I could get the "long" in jeans at all stores and not have to worry about it. But again, I am cheap. So, I came home jeanless.... but I did find some nice boots to wear with my church dresses/skirts in the winter! Oh, and some exercise clothes from ON that were on sale.
So not all lost... but not what I needed.
Friday, January 30, 2009
WATCH FOR ICE
Here I am, at home. Any normal Friday I would be home around this time, out of class for the weekend, but today I did not attend any classes. Now, anyone that knows me knows that this is not some abnormal phenomenon. I skip class often. Way too often. But today is not really just a case of skipping... I mean it is, but kinda not. Yesterday while walking to class I fell REALLY HARD on a solid sheet of ice that lay atop the road. It was a rough fall in that it caused an instantaneous head, neck, back, wrist, & bum ache, but not rough in that I was able to continue on my way. I continued with my day, only mildly aching. I went to work my Thursday midnight shift, as per usual. At 9am, when I was returning home from work I was walking to my apartment, being extra careful, because of course I was a little uneasy having just fallen yesterday and not wanting a repeat. I chose the best route, I walked on the clear road until I was within reaching distance of a car so I could hold onto it as I walked over the ice to the sidewalk near my apartment. Without knowing how or what happened, as is the case with falls usually, I suddenly found myself on the ground... again. This time was noticeably different. I had fallen on my tale bone, just as I had the first time, but it hurt SO much more. The car that was meant to be my walking help became a tool of pain. When my feet flew out from under me and into the air they slammed up against the underneath of the car and my hand, hoping to find something to break my fall, was cut by said car. I sat there for a minute, half on my back and saying some not so nice words in my head, nearly in tears. I tried to get up, wincing in pain, and could not get a footing. At this time, as would be expected, a guy from the apartment next to this road came out and just looked at me. Embarrassing, but only slightly, I was in too much pain and struggle to fret about him. However, it does bother me that he did not say a word or offer to help, he just stared. And this guy lives above me, he is my neighbor. How rude! :-P I eventually, while the neighbor continued to stare, scooted myself over to the less icy sidewalk, grabbed onto a tree and the car that was meant to help me in the first place, and pulled myself to my knees and then feet. ---- This incredibly long, boring description is really just to inform you of why I am not in class today. It pains me to move, sit, walk, anything really. So I am relaxing and working on laundry in those moments that I feel the gumption to move from my couch.
Moral of the story: *WATCH FOR ICE*
Speaking of laundry -- my washing machine, my less than 2 years old nice GE washer, is fixed as of this morning. It had been broken since October. In October it had only been in working order three months since the first time it was broken. I have had a working washer 3 months out of the 9 months I have lived in this apartment. It is glorious to have it now... Loren dirties a lot of clothing.
Random Side Story:
I have never stuck with blogging in the past. It has been an on-again-off-again hobby of mine since 2005. But this time I have found that by getting into other blogs, I feel more motivated to write in mine. I have started reading two perfect strangers blogs and I must say... I love it. I feel so intrigued by these two women. I came across both through my high school friend/blogging buddy Jessica (http://www.scrapbookngirl.blogspot.com/). One is Elizabeth from Utah (http://www.elizabethkartchner.blogspot.com/). She is a wonderful scrapbooker and is so incredibly talented... with the cutest family ever. The other blog, that I think I may truly be obsessed with, is Kelly (http://www.kellyskornerblog.blogspot.com/). I came across Kelly when Jessica had something talking about "Praying for Harper" I clicked on this link and it led me to Kelly's blog. She has an incredible story and is truly a beautiful girl inside & out (I've read a billion of her older posts and feel like I know her, haha). Check them out if you're ever feeling froggy!
I set out to write this blog about my many blessings and how often I ignore them... but since this has been so long, I will save that for another day. But I will just say that my number one blessing is my husband. I take him for granted, fight with him too much, and give him too many headaches... but he really is the biggest blessing I could ever receive. I love him more than I could ever express in this blog... More about that & other blessings later. :)
Moral of the story: *WATCH FOR ICE*
Speaking of laundry -- my washing machine, my less than 2 years old nice GE washer, is fixed as of this morning. It had been broken since October. In October it had only been in working order three months since the first time it was broken. I have had a working washer 3 months out of the 9 months I have lived in this apartment. It is glorious to have it now... Loren dirties a lot of clothing.
Random Side Story:
I have never stuck with blogging in the past. It has been an on-again-off-again hobby of mine since 2005. But this time I have found that by getting into other blogs, I feel more motivated to write in mine. I have started reading two perfect strangers blogs and I must say... I love it. I feel so intrigued by these two women. I came across both through my high school friend/blogging buddy Jessica (http://www.scrapbookngirl.blogspot.com/). One is Elizabeth from Utah (http://www.elizabethkartchner.blogspot.com/). She is a wonderful scrapbooker and is so incredibly talented... with the cutest family ever. The other blog, that I think I may truly be obsessed with, is Kelly (http://www.kellyskornerblog.blogspot.com/). I came across Kelly when Jessica had something talking about "Praying for Harper" I clicked on this link and it led me to Kelly's blog. She has an incredible story and is truly a beautiful girl inside & out (I've read a billion of her older posts and feel like I know her, haha). Check them out if you're ever feeling froggy!
I set out to write this blog about my many blessings and how often I ignore them... but since this has been so long, I will save that for another day. But I will just say that my number one blessing is my husband. I take him for granted, fight with him too much, and give him too many headaches... but he really is the biggest blessing I could ever receive. I love him more than I could ever express in this blog... More about that & other blessings later. :)
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
GOOD NEWS
Here I am - writing from my couch, where I intend to be for the next couple days while my punctured artery heals from the cebrebral angiogram I had yesterday morning. (In all honesty, I could probably head back to class tomorrow, but if a nurse tells me I can stay out thru Friday... I'm going to, much to Loren's dislike :-P)
In a cerebral angiogram, a catheter is inserted into the femoral artery (upper thigh/groin area) and is fed through blood vessels all the way through the body up into the neck. Once in the neck, a contrast dye is released into the brain so x-ray images can be taken. In my case, this was done in order to take a closer look at my brain aneurysm so the doctors could figure out the next step, surgery or otherwise. However, once the angiogram was over, I was told that what my neursurgeon thought was an aneurysm was actully just part of my brain. Turns out, I have a weird brain layout! Thank You, Lord... many prayers have been answered!
So, while this is incredible news it is also slightly disheartening. Since we now know that an aneurysm is NOT the reason for all of my symptoms over the last 18 months, I am kinda back at square one as to knowing what IS the cause. But, I am not worried about it. None of my symptoms really interfere with my life much, other than the headaches, and I am used to those... besides, I haven't experienced many of them in a couple of months. So I'll just let it go, unless something gets worse. There are no answers to be found right now, so I'm moving on. :)
For now, I'm going to enjoy my couch time and then I am going to enjoy the Mountaineers for Christ Winter Retreat this weekend... life is good!
p.s. Loren & I have now been happily married for one month! I am so excited to spend the next many years with him!! ♥
In a cerebral angiogram, a catheter is inserted into the femoral artery (upper thigh/groin area) and is fed through blood vessels all the way through the body up into the neck. Once in the neck, a contrast dye is released into the brain so x-ray images can be taken. In my case, this was done in order to take a closer look at my brain aneurysm so the doctors could figure out the next step, surgery or otherwise. However, once the angiogram was over, I was told that what my neursurgeon thought was an aneurysm was actully just part of my brain. Turns out, I have a weird brain layout! Thank You, Lord... many prayers have been answered!
So, while this is incredible news it is also slightly disheartening. Since we now know that an aneurysm is NOT the reason for all of my symptoms over the last 18 months, I am kinda back at square one as to knowing what IS the cause. But, I am not worried about it. None of my symptoms really interfere with my life much, other than the headaches, and I am used to those... besides, I haven't experienced many of them in a couple of months. So I'll just let it go, unless something gets worse. There are no answers to be found right now, so I'm moving on. :)
For now, I'm going to enjoy my couch time and then I am going to enjoy the Mountaineers for Christ Winter Retreat this weekend... life is good!
p.s. Loren & I have now been happily married for one month! I am so excited to spend the next many years with him!! ♥
Thursday, January 15, 2009
SLEEP DEPRIVATION
It is week one of the new semester and I am already exhausted. It's not the classes themselves that are causing my bloodshot eyes and weary bones - but the culmination of two jobs, classes, church things, and marriage. I have a very limited amount of energy as it is (this probably means I need to work out more and take vitamins regularly), so I really cannot handle too much activity!
On the other hand, the good news is: I don't hate any of my classes. Yay!
I'm making progress on my knitting, I'm pretty proud of myself, I must say. It's all starting to actually look like a scarf, which makes me feel good. :)
As for the other resolutions... well, we'll see.
On the other hand, the good news is: I don't hate any of my classes. Yay!
I'm making progress on my knitting, I'm pretty proud of myself, I must say. It's all starting to actually look like a scarf, which makes me feel good. :)
As for the other resolutions... well, we'll see.
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